Friday, June 09, 2006

The stressors in my life.

I refer to these as "stressors" as opposed to stress. Why? I honestly believe that it's only how we deal with events that cause stress, not the events themselves. That is, if someone tells me I'm fat, I have two options 1) Stress out over it because of anger, hurt, etc. 2) Think of it as a great thing, telling me I need to step it up a notch and therefore being happy that this person has helped me.

Goofy? Yes. Effective? Yes.

So, onto my list of stressors. (or is it stres-sores? hmm..)

These are the things I've choosen to focus on, rather than focusing on my goals.

1) I've breaking up with someone I love. We love each other, and hurt each other. Try as we might (even with a counselor), I cannot get myself to want this. If I wanted it, I could make it work. How can I get myself to want something?

Therefore, at this point, I cannot make this work and need to get out as unscathed as possible while not hurting her any more either. Not the easiest task. Hell, with the amount of energy I put into trying to get out, you figure I could find a way to want it, and stay in, eh?

2) I went to jail two weeks ago for contempt in a CIVIL case. I fight things on principle. There's a big long story to follow about how I fought this case on my own and made a judge rewrite an unlawful order he made. I won the case!

And then he came after me. Since then, I got an attorney, and he's informed me in no uncertain terms that I am 100% within my rights, should not have been thrown in jail, and there is no legal reason for me to go to jail, yet the judge will throw me in jail again soon if I don't settle this issue by paying.

I know this sounds like total horseshit, but I will have audio of the court transcript shortly (2 weeks) where you can hear the judge admit in open court that I did follow the order, but he decided before the hearing on what my sentance would be. HUH? That's not legal.

If I fight for what's right I go to jail. What would you do? Much, much more on this later.

3) I'm broke. Not somewhat, but I dug myself a deep, deep hole when I was fat drunk and lazy. I hang my head in shame.

My parents keep telling me they'll give me more money so I don't go further into dept. You cannot borrow your way out of debt. However, they get upset with me when I don't take their money.

Again, this is all how I handle it. I can get angry at them for it, or I can let them get upset and not respond. It's tough to do what's best for me, yet make Mom and Dad upset. I thought at age 31 I'd get over trying to please Mom and Dad.

Not sure I can get over my need to please the parents, but I need to do what's best for me. I bet you all wish your parents would give you money, eh? Trust me, you don't want it. It's torture.

4) My allergies run my life. I'm trying to manage them. I need shots. I was given oral steroids and antihistamines, an OTC nose spray and prescription nose spray, a nose washing system, prescription eye there anything else? The only other oriface they could ask me to jam something is through suppository.

And I don't even take aspirin!

I have take a little bit of what they've given me, but only when I get real bad. How bad? Sneezing literally 30-50 times an hour, eyes near swollen shut, cannot drive, hard time even breathing.

I'm not bitching, I'm just wondering what I can do with my hatred of medicine and my debilitating allergies. Suppose I'll need to get rid of one of those things. I have indoor and outdoor allergies, so I cannot stay inside and manage them, unless I have a newer house with no mold, dustmites or cockroaches (my indoor allergins).

Which leads me to my next issue...

5) I cannot sell my house until it's restored and working in this dust makes me sneeze.

Now I just feel like I'm bitching. I write to organize my thougths. Somehow reading this makes me look at these issues from an unemotional angle.

I need to:

1) End it already and move on.
2) Swallow the pride and just write a check for pragmatics.
3) Work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week now that I don't have the girlfriend.
4) Take the meds as prescibed and be a zombie until the shots start working.
5) Sell the house any way possible and move to my friend's house on the mountain (literally, ON a mountain) in New Mexico where I won't have the allergy outbreaks.

Now, why is that so hard? Why is common sense not common practice? Why do I go back and forth on each of these issues, trapping myself into a lose/lose proposition? Emotions??

I thought emotions come from ovaries. Do I have ovaries?

Step 6, get my ovaries removed.

*EDIT* You know, looking back on this, I actually feel pretty good that I'm even eating right. Most people would go to jail OR break up with someone and fall off the deep end. I've done both and come out OK. AND I've got a BUNCH of other major stressors to deal with on top of all that. I need to cut myself some slack, and be proud that I'm not gaining weight.

"The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving."
Fredrick Harrison

1 comment:

A Girl Running said...

Your attitude is very positive and you have obviously come a long way.

I hope it all works out okay